Letters to Lady Ga Ga I Haven't Mailed Yet

Dear Lady Ga Ga,

You. Fucking. Suck.

--Mickey "Trashbags" Calhoun





Dear Lady Ga Ga,

Hey, Lady Ga Ga. I just heard your song on the radio. I don't know the title of it. Here's the thing, my car (which is a hybrid, bee tee dubs, fuck you very much), what was I saying? Oh. My car, the hybrid (FFFUCCKKK YOU) actually shows the titles of songs currently playing on the radio in the display, all it takes is the press of one button. I didn't press the button. That's how much I don't care about you or anything that you do. You probably drive a Range Rover don't you? What's the matter, you couldn't find a Prius that suited your needs? You want to know why? Because they're shaped for efficiency...not bullshit, and practicality, not whatever-the-fuck it is you do, and they're painted natural colors that are pleasing to the human eye....unlike the "Pan's Labyrinth"/ Jim Henson's, uh, "Labyrinth", costume warehouse rejects that you call your, "I'll think I'll head to Starbucks and get a tall coffee with soy milk, undetected by TMZ" clothes.

In summation. I hate you. I hate your face. I hate that you don't care about the environment, which I have no evidence to support. I hate your clothes.

--Mickey "Trashbags" Calhoun.

PS. I do wish I had looked to see what that song was called, to be honest, it was kinda catchy.

PPS. I'd still definitely have sex with you. Just so I could say I did. No, not like, "I had sex with a famous person". Just, like...so I could say that I've had sex once.




Dear Lady Ga Ga,

Hi! It's me, Mickey. Sorry to bother you again Ms. Ga Ga, but I just have to know--

have you seen "Avatar" yet? Because shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttt. it's in fucking 3D!

Love,

--Mickey "Trashbags" Calhoun




Dear Lady Ga Ga,

I killed a deer today on my way home from work. It just jumped right out in front of me, I couldn't do anything about it. Anyway, I was listening to "poker face" when it happened (yeah, I looked up the title on google! I typed in the lyrics pa-pa-pa-pa-pa and it led me right to it!! TEE HEE!!!!)

Anywhooville. I hit a deer and killed it dead. Poker Face was on. Thought of you!

Yours forever,

--Mickey "Trashbags" Calhoun





Dear Lady Ga Ga,

Hey again! Look, I know I'm becoming a pest but I really have to clarify something. I looked over the copy of the last letter I sent you (I always make two copies, never mind why you nosey nancy!) and I realized that I might have misled you. The letter reads as if I hit a deer with my hybrid, when this is in fact not the case. I don't have a hybrid. I don't have a vehicle. Fuck, I don't even have a job. But, I do have an iPod and two functioning legs.

Full disclosure, Ga Ga. I was out for a jog and a fucking deer jumped out of the woods, presumably leading it's two baby deer back to their home for supper, and it scared the shit out of me. So I instinctively round-housed the snot right out of it's nostrils and it's neck right out of it's socket.

I left the baby deer there to contemplate their mother seizing and choking on it's own snot and blood, writhing in pain on the cold asphalt, pleading for death. I figured it'd be a good lesson for those two. You know, "don't act like your mother, jumping around all free and shit- and you won't have the snot round-housed out yo' sinuses by a person minding their own business and rocking out to some Lady Ga Ga". I'm sure you agree.

Still would love to hear back from you!

--Mickey "Trashbags" Calhoun




Dear Lady Ga Ga,

When you gonna write back? I thought we had something.


--Mickey





Dear Lady Ga Ga,

You probably think you're really cool, huh? What with your car, and your job, and your "oooo, I've had sex before!!!!" Yeah, real cool, Ga Ga. Way to alienate your audience.

I'm gonna find you. I'mana rape you. And if you think about screaming....I suggest you think about that deer.


--Mickey

PS. And yes, I killed that fucker's babies too.

PPS. Seriously. I live in L.A. I will find you.



Dear Lady Ga Ga,

Saw a rainbow today. Decided to kill myself.

Later,

--Brittany Murphy




Dear Lady Ga Ga,

Hey, it's me. Look...the Brittany Murphy joke was in poor taste. It didn't really make any sense either.

She never got to see "Avatar".

still killing myself today,

--Mick